and I have so much to say, and can't get it out. can't get the words.

i found a picture of him when he still cared when we were 13. when there was hope. and promise. and we were going to live our dreams.

i wish i could go back and change it all. go back and do instead of watch. i wish i could go back and shake myself out of it, scream, "stop being the observer! go! live!"

but. but...

then i wonder if i'd have met her. the sunshine. the reason. the hope. the promise.

and i spin. and the world doesn't make any sense. but when has it ever.

i feel like i used to, and i don't know why. again i taste salt. again a path is carved from eye to mouth. but what's new is the feeling fighting it. every self-pitying, self-loathing thought is countered with love.

she shook me out of it, it seems. i don't feel like an observer anymore. i feel so loved. so lucky.